Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
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“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”