Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
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lmao
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i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
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Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Just had my nails done!
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if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
monday
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[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.