Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

sugar glider wrangler

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch