Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off