Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
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Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.