Made a playlist for your weekend hike
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A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.