Made a playlist for your weekend hike
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[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.