Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

me at the job i begged god for

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

based al yankovic

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything