Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
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[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
it’s not been my year
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.