Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid