Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
We like the way Dwight thinks
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip