Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
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One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Yup….perfect score!
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
what’s in a name?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit