Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.