Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*