Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
An odd boast
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.