Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
