Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
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It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Just got to our Airbnb!
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Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!