Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
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{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal