Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
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“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
#Caturday
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
synchronized noseblowing
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”