Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

me and the Superbowl rn

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.