Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
You Might Also Like
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Taco Bell, Exit 22
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”