Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
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Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I’m going to need a moment here.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”