Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
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Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.