Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
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Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
