Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
the red hot silly peppers
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that