Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
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If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.