Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
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ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
All set.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.