Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
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*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work