Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I’m about to risk it all
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”