Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.