Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I love the honesty
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.