Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
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God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
How do horror writers compete with current events?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.