Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.