Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”