Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
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To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”