Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

Snapes on a plane.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between