Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
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For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
🙋♀️
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
When your diet is finally over.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.