Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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That de-escalated quickly
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions