Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about