Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
You can’t outrun your problems…
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no