Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Same pineapple, same
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Effort made
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN