Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

? 💀

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.