Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.