Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted