Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.