Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

And now we wait

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.