made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
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“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
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