Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.