Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

getting corrected

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

🤣

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.