Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
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Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
◾️
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.