Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
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If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.