Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
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I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I’m literally crying
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I told my vodka about you.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite