Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

getting corrected

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.