Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
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My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.