Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
You Might Also Like
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands