Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
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The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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*launders Kohls cash*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far