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@AlisonAgosti

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

@junejuly12

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

@EJGomez

dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more

@HairyJew4Life

Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.

@juliussharpe

Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.

@dlicj

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

@DadandBuried

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

@BruceForce

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.