Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
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I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.