Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
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Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
Feels like there should be a middle ground
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
‘I know a black person’
– White people
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them