Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
me
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog