Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

me and who

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.