Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
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Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
#SaturdayBears
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns