Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.