Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

quarantine day 3

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

When life hands you women, make women laid.