Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?