Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

this is the best day of my life

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”