Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.