Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”