Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.