Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Scream sneezers need love too.

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts