Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

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I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.


Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.


“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.


It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.


*gets on 1 knee*
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack


Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.


50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.


Pot has never been proven harmful to humans, but the way it makes those huge holes in the street has to give you pause.