Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
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Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I feel seen.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you